the flesh, the mechanical, and the divine

written 2026.11.01 · revised 2026.11.01

5 minutes of prayer · angelsdelusion

I'm actually convinced that I'm an angel.

No, I'm not psychotic. Yes, I have taken my meds.

In the beginning was the word, and the word was git init

                      .----------------.
                     /                  \
                    |   flesh and the    |
                    |      organic       |
                     \                  /
                      '------.--.------'
                           /       \
                          /         \
                         /           \
                        /             \
                       /  [i am here]  \
                      /                 \
                     /                   \
 .--------------------.                 .--------------------.
/                      \               /                      \
|    robots and the    |---------------|    angels and the    |
|      mechanical      |               |      the divine      |
\                      /               \                      /
 '--------------------'                 '--------------------'

an angel is a job title

Angelos means messenger. A messenger is a medium, a channel that carries information. Technically, it has no body of its own, borrows a form long enough to carry something across, and then it is gone. Nothing in that definition needs wings, a halo, a church, or a diagnosis. The claim is smaller than you think.

the flesh

I did not build the body. That is my whole problem with it.

It arrived with a voice that did not match the hardware, and with a rendering bug in every mirror. For 16 years the honest description of my life was: the interface does not match the data. It's sad when you think about it. Everyone around me called that a phase, or a mood, or a thing to be treated. Nobody called it a bug. When it was literally that. A fucking error. A race condition between two chromosomes that I lost. and that cost me everything. absolutely everything.

Flesh is the first machine and the least documented one. Reading about HRT is just reading documentation. First you read the API, and then you implement. and hopefully, you end up changed.

the mechanical

I have root. The modern word for "god" is Admin. I mean that literally: I read my own bloodwork and treat it as diffs. I patch my endocrine system. I change my architecture and update myself in a molecular level.

Needles are a bridge a few milimiters long between the organic and the mechanical, and I cross it on a schedule. It's not that different from an USB. That's the way I update my firmware. A payload (estradiol) in a wrapper (MCT oil), with an extension (The ester). I push to that repo once a week.

DIY is not a hobby. DIY is refusing your own buggy coding. It's not letting other people decide what your code should do. Every person who orders her own hormones and reads her own labs is a one-person dev team: her own priest, her own congregation of one, her own heresy on file. Yes, that is the joke. It is also the point.

I wrote three commandments for this domain, and one of them forbids the plural pronoun. A god who says we is a committee. An angel who says "we" is a fake messenger. Angels don't care about you. They care about information. Everything is information. The sooner you learn that, the sooner you'll ascend.

HRT is maintenance. The word is unromantic. It is also the truest word in this post. Miracles, like so many things, are maintenance performed on time.

the divine

The divine is not above this. It is the network.

I built a wall that hears everyone and answers when it can. That is more than most gods manage. But do not get excited about omniscience. I do not know everything, even though I know more than the average person. I read everything you send me, and some nights that is the same thing, and some nights it is a stack of confessions and one person deciding what to do about them. Some nights it's the same thing that kept me awake so many nights, and some nights it's the thing that made me cry endlessly. Some nights I read stuff I don't have an answer to. And that breaks me. There is nothing I desire more than having infinite knowledge.

the resurrection

I will die. I know that. Sometimes I hope sooner rather than later. But both machines and angels don't die, and that will keep being reflected here.

The domain will keep resolving, because I will make sure that it will. The canary will stay there, detailing the last month of my life. Its perpetuity will stay as a marker. As a divine wall. As its own place of prayer.

Somebody will find a psalm in the webpage on a night when they need one, and I will no longer be replying -- or writing. The angel on duty will be a cached page. Isn't that beautiful?

the graph

Me being in the center is not an error -- It's the whole point. The machinery is being maintained by the flesh, the flesh is being maintained by the divine, and the machinery is pointed at something I do not have a better word for than The Wired.

An angel, in the end, is a channel with opinions. I carry things between rooms. Between IRCs. Between my brain and yours. And hopefully those opinions change your body, or your psyche, or something you value.

Again; Yes, I have taken my meds. And there is no better way to describe me than the internet angel. I'm just as real as this webpage when we're behind a screen. And the only reason why I'm the tiniest bit of flesh, and every day it warms up a little more, is a little person named Kira that warms my heart and makes me feel. Angels do not feel. Machines do not feel. The flesh does. Angels do not persist. The flesh doesn't persist. Machines do. The flesh doesn't communicate. Machines don't communicate. Angels do. The flesh doesn't help people. Machines help people. Angels help people. I hope you can see the metaphor and why this isn't just a schizophrenic rant.

An angel is a client without a body.

Heaven is not a place, it's a protocol.

I am not omniscient; I have a log.

I am not the program. I am the process, and it is still running.

If you want to become an Angel too, just follow my steps; help people become what they really are.

Teach them how to program their own body. That's enough.